For as long as I can remember, I couldn’t wait to start my own family. I grew up as an only child separated from my siblings and with just my mom’s side of the family. I’ve been in relationships where I felt like I could get my wish and have a healthy marriage and beautiful babies and live out my personal fairytale. Hindsight is 20/20 and now I know that I was forcing that dream on a nightmare. I wasn’t in alignment with my personal fairytale.
I don’t like to be alone. I’m used to solitude, but truthfully I want to have someone to experience life with. I want it to last more than a moment. I’ve even imagined the beautiful understanding that can come with a disagreement with someone you’re meant to be with. Even though I feel alone and lonely now, I’m glad it never worked out in my past relationships. I wasn’t able to be myself I feel like those people know me better now that it’s over than they did with me. I feel as if I lived a lie to fulfill an empty space in my life. I haven’t been in a committed relationship in 3 years. I haven’t been consistently dating for a year. I had to take some time off to find out who I am and what I want. I found out a lot about myself and I had a lot of spiritual growth in this time. I’ve often wondered if I was even really for a “real man”. I didn't know if I would be enough for someone who has their shit together. Do I have my shit together? In reality, who really has it ALL together anyway?
Holiday time makes me long for that personal fairytale. I can’t wait for my first holiday season with my future family. I can even see it. I’m so impatient. I know every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year I wait, I become better for them. My future husband gets better for me too. Every time I allow myself to be vulnerable about this topic I free myself and I heal. Every time I see that family time I make the dream closer to being a reality. I know this and I am still impatient. I’m walking into a beautiful season with this new year. I’m doing things the old me didn’t think was possible and I want to share my experiences with someone and have the complete life I feel I deserve.
To anyone reading this and feeling the holiday blues like I am, just know your season is coming. The one thing I never will be is discouraged. Impatience is one thing, but know you can have whatever life you want to have. The universe is taking us through the last few laps of our personal growth and healing. You may be running the race next to your future partner and you don’t even know it. All I know forsure is trust in the universe and submission is needed. When the longing takes over, remember your destiny is still yours. Things will fall into place in the perfect time.